30 Facts About Chuck Norris

This is a little piece of beauty I picked up on Justin Flavin’s site:

30 Facts About Chuck Norris

1. chuck norris’s tears cure cancer. too bad he has never cried

2. rather than being birthed like a normal child, chuck norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb. shortly thereafter he grew a beard

3. chuck norris does not sleep. he waits

4. chuck norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparallelled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalised, chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. the devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. they now play poker every second wednesday of the month

5. chuck norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs
6. chuck norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, chuck met all 3 bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement

7. It takes a big man to cry,but it takes Chuck Norris to laugh at him.

8. Chuck Norris is what’s eating Gilbert Grape.

9. To prove it isn’t that big a deal to beat cancer, chuck norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer, only to rid them from his body by flexing his muscles for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong

10. the chief export of Chuck Norris is pain

11. Chuck Norris throws stones in glass houses

12. Chuck norris can make a woman climax simply by pointing at her and saying “booya”

13. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death

14. There are no disabled people, only people who have angered chuck norris

15. Chuck Norris doesn’t read books, he simply stares them down until he gets the information that he needs

16. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his Dad did.

17. Chuck Norris won Jumanji without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living sh*t out of everything that was thrown at him and the game forfeited.

18. Chuck Norris once knocked out Mike Tyson in a bare knuckle boxing match… with both hands tied behind his back.

19. Chuck Norris shot down a german plane in world war two by pointing his finger at it and saying “bang”

20. Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can’t pluck up the courage to tell him

21. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse…. horses are hung like chuck norris

22. after much debate, president truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending chuck norris. His reasoning? It was more humane

23. Chuck Norris doesn’t shave, he kicks himself in the face. the only thing that can cut chuck norris is chuck norris

24. chuck norris frequently signs up for beginners karate classes, just so he can “accidentally” beat the sh*t out of little kids.

25. the quickest way to a mans heart is with chuck norris’s fist

26. chuck norris owns neither microwave nor oven. when he is hungry, he simply shouts “BAKE” at his food, and out of fear it instantly catches fire

27. One day chuck norris looked in the mirror and said “no one outstares chuck!”. He is still there to this day

28. before each filming of walker:texas ranger, chuck norris is injected with 5 times the lethal dose of elephant tranquiliser. This is of course to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors that he fights

29. Chuck Norris can eat a Rubix Cube and poop it out fully solved.

30. When Chuck Norris’s wife burned the turkey one thanksgiving, Chuck said “don’t worry about it honey” and went into his backyard. He came back 5 minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said “Never question Chuck Norris”.