“Dear Chef Ketchup…”

Did a thing on the show asking you to write break-up letters. Not with a boyfriend or girlfriend, but with a thing. A tv show, item of food, place, whatever. Some were too good to be used once on the radio and then disappear…

Dear 24/Jack Bauer, we had some great times together but alas u’ve become over exposed and commercialised so I must leave u, our clock has ticked its last tick, goodbye New Ross Tom:-(      

Dear air guitar. We,re fineshed. I can c right through u ! Gluck damo 

Dear Belly, you have been with me through thick and thin, shared with me the birth of five children. But its over now, you  have to go. Its not you, I want to go and find myself. Good luck. Anita Schwarz from Glengarriff  

Dear body, i’m sorry to do this by text, but I just look ridiculous talking to myself. I’m afraid we can’t go on like this. We used to have a great relationship but lately you’ve been letting things slip. We used drink til 5am together, but now… you quit on me too early. Last night I thought we could have a few brews just to wind down the weekend, but once again, this morning you were in tatters and brought me down with you! I’m sorry but I’m applying for a full body transplant. -kevin  

Dear cheap toilet paper i am breakin up wit you because i know you are cutting the arse off me behind my back and i cant sit through this crap any longer . Off to a softer touch x   

Dear chef ketchup. It wasn’t broken-why did u think u needed to fix yer recipee? I haven’t enjoyed chips with you since th big change. An avid chef ketchup fan for years for all my life-i’ve now strayed to heinz. And i’m not ashamed to say -i’m happy with heinz. Goodbye chef ketchup, thanks for th memories. From michelle in Sligo.  

Dear chicken curry i had 4 dinner, the sooner u get out of my system the better and i wont hav 2 b squeezin the cheeks of my ass any longer. Bernard in longford      

Dear chocolate, I have devoted my 22years of life to u until u now turned around and stabbed me in the back,crippling me with migranes whenever i even think of lickin u or tastin ur dark body….il miss u no doubt but….its over! Im a soya girl now! Catherine in longford!     

Dear coffee your full body and dept has made my heart race but alas i must say goodbye i need something lighter fruiter more transparant… Hello green tea! Natalie  

Dear cola. I love you so much but you are killing me slowly. I say no to you but you keep tempting me back. This is the last time i am going to be strong. I will miss you i will miss your smell your cold hard exterior but most of all i will miss you exceptional taste. I wont be replacing you. Good bye. Kate o sullivan. Cork. Cola addict.   

Dear coseys what can i say u make me feel so welcome when i arrive so happy the longer i stay so so merry the more i drink but its just typical i feel sick hung over an dirty the next day i cant do it any longer but thank you 4 the time i spent with u love ski x

Dear cosy socks i feel that after two years of wearing you has come to an end. I will miss your matted toes and heel i will also miss turning you inside out every so often trying to recreate the feeling i  got when we first met. It wasn the same after the first eight months. Im sorry cosy socks. Its whats best for both of us.

Dear DIT  Aungier street, i cant stand u anymore. All those orange d4s in their ugg boots and hair piled on top of their overly made up heads has become too much for me. The lack of atmosphere is depressing. Goodbye!      

Dear doner kebab, im afraid i jst cant be seen in public with you again,saturday nite was d final straw,you managed to get on my face,my hands,my shirt,shoes and jeans!its over and thats it!dan     

Dear Eminem It’s been just 2 years since your cancelled gig in slane i was so pissed off i hope you cant sleep and you dream about it and when you dream i hope you cant sleep and you scream about it.. Dave in carlow

Dear forced upon me piano lesson! As much as it pains me to say this i feel we must part. I dont think we were hittin the right keys.u see ive met another. A slender fender! Who has a g string.. Pick ups and the most beautiful neck iv ever ran my finges thru.i’m sory but we just struck a chord! U wer good but this chick rocks. Joe donegal  

Dear ford ka its not u its me im sorry i  have decided 2 trade u n 4 a younger bigger better model. Will always rem d good times and d amount of tyres u went thru. U cost of a bloody fortune. But  Hope we can still b friends xx   

Dear hair. Ive grown tired of finding u in a pitiful heap at the bottom of the shower or like an unwelcome guest on my pillow. This is the final parting. Goodbye. Buzzzz. Scott. Clonee.     

Dear Insanity, i’m afraid it’s the end of a long road which has had its ups & downs but alas the meds are finally working… Our nights laughing or arguing, our wacky outfits & inappropriate outbursts can be no more. Sanity has crept up & swept me off my feet. And what’s more, I can have friends and Sanity too. No Longer Yours,  Val

Dear Irish goverment. I’m leaving you. I realise now that you’ve just being using me for years for my money & I can’t take it anymore. Taking advantage of me every chance you got, well screw you you unpredictable fecker, I’m outta here.  

Dear Irish rugby team im sorry but i jst dont love u anymore…Uve changed and ur becoming so hard to support…I used to b so proud of u but uve let me dwn. Im gonna b wit england now      

Dear lost  loved u in the first series  but afraid when u  came back with more of the same u lost me forever. Noel in galway  

Dear metallica. U suck. After spending 3 years learning to play the drums. I now realise what a crap drummer lars ulrick is. good luck . Hello slip knot. At least their drummer doesnt sound like he plays pots and pans     

Dear micra.. This ur second time to break down on me so i’m cuttin my loses n movin in on my boyfriends sexy focus.. I suppose its not ur fault, ur old n frail but i need somethin to fulfil my needs and u just cant offer that to me any more.. Its been fun micra. X      

Dear MTV I’m afraid i must leave you because you no longer show music videos instead you choose to show programmes about spoilt rich kids with parents with way too much money and a show fronted by a white man who clearly thinks is he is black who supposedly  pimps peoples rides because of these appalling choice of programmes i must go. Goodbye Catherina.  

Dear mutton vindaloo u destroyed my last pair of calvin klein boxers its over.Brian   

Dear Nestlé, I used to eat smarties 4 breakfast,lunch nd dinnr but u had to ruin wot we had-did u really have to take out the artifical colors.theres no blue smarty now…nooo!angela n kerry.

Dear nicotine, i’ve been yours for 4 yrs, and i’m too young to cough the way you make me do. I’ve been seeing you cousin oxygen instead. Good bye Niall in Galway     

Dear Oxegen, I can’t go on fooling myself, you’ve changed too much & you now no longer resemble the Witnness you once were. I’ve given you more than enough chances, but now even the good line-up is just not enough. I’ve found something new, from now on its only electric picnic for me. 

Dear palm, its over..Iv found a girlfriend who satisfys all my needs.U were always too predictable and no moisturiser could heal ur rough ways…No its not me its you…goodbye…From rob in straffan

Dear pills,
It truly pains me to do this.please know that its me,not you.i have been using you for some time now.when we took some time apart last week,i started to see someone else.its over between us.

Dear prison break, u’ve changed u used 2 b cool.Now u went and killed d most important person in our world.D OC cudnt last without marissa n u wont last without sarah.I’m sorry its just not d same,u’ve ruined everyting.Its over.Neil      

Dear r and b music, i just can’t do this anymore, i lost myself in the music, the moment, i was bootylicous, but you haven’t grown, i’ve changed rap music, and guitar heavy rock is back in town, she looks really well, i’m afraid it’s over, i’ll see you round, i’m sorry i don’t think we can ever be friends, phil in tipp      

Dear Robbie, much as i still love you,you just dont cut it for me anymore.youve vanished without a trace(which i suppose is u dumping me).anyway takethat r back+better than ever so ill b with them if ur ever looking 4 me.wishing u success in all ur future endeavours,aoife      

Dear secondary school, i can’t do ths nemre, i can’t accept tht u put other sub’s b4 me4maternity leaves despite my loyalty, i’v met a new school goodbye!    

Dear subway stores still waiting to get a foot long but u seem up it not measuring up to my expectation god wish i was a man would settle with a donut! Lol Shauna    

Dear Supervalu Maynooth i am sorry to say that i have to leave you as i have have found better prospects elsewhere! I was not happy with the times we had. Although we had good times they were few and far between! So long! From penfold in Maynooth!

Dear teddy bear…i know its hard after 21years..even with your threadbare fabric,tarnished but once shiny buttons and your drooled on fabric it is hard to part!were it not for the disgusted looks from people you tend to attract,perhaps our relationship could have lasted longer!and so to the black hole that is the attic you must go!

Dear Twenties, goodbye forever, goodbye to worrying about people’s opinions, obsessing about weight, college debts. I’m with Thirties now and feel much more secure with him! Tracey. 

Dear Twix bar, I am sorry  i cant c u again, the other day i met up again with an old sweetie i used to hang around with in the 80s, when i saw her in her sexy blue and red dress, i was smitten all over again, mayb if it doesnt workout or if they stop making them i will b back in touch

Dear Valium i think its time we parted ways.i feel relaxed in ur company but i dont want to become dependant on you and neglect others. Im sorry but ul always be my little blue friend! Sween in letterkenny 

Dear work pants, i have been suspicious for awhile now. You have been going missing for days and nights and coming back with fresh smells. Any holes or tears we made together were covered over. And the pockets of memories we shared you emptied. I dont know if its my mother or the washing machine.. Maybe both ya freak. I hope your happy. You know my tracky bottoms? Ya? Were gonna get it on.. Paul

Dear work, I’m sorry but we’re finished,i’ve been seeing someone else,but if it doesn’t work out between me and miss lotto maybe we can get back in touch. . Fergal laois     

Dear work. I cant handle you any more. Im always tired after you and i cant stand the thought of you in the morning . Been with you for a few years now and cant see it goin any where. Im goin with the dole now . So long sorry it had to be by Txt. Martin in galway

Goodbye pregnancy and labour.altho only 28 you’ve left me wit 4happy memories but ill miss you.i need 2live my own life now on my own!

goodbye Scania for years i have spend driveing you , And looking after you and all u could do was leave me with a bad back and a bad bank A/C. Now im so much happy with Volvo. (For all the truck drivers)  

Goodbye to all my past addictions to narcotics, alcohol, gambling, internet chat rooms an dating sites, sex, unhealthy food behaviours, being a night owl, i thank ye all for helping me get by in the past.. Today i don’t need to use any of ye because i am free from all of ye today and i have found new healthy ways to live.. Yours sincerely an most gratefully- E    

My dearest darling brad . im sorry but i think the time has come to say good bye . since u met up that serial child minder your just not the same . so even do i have waited for u to show up in mayo for the last 15years im tellin u now don bother i have moved on your to late . all my love once melisa  in crossmolina x

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